wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
