Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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