I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
