if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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