Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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