I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
