her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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