Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
As shirtless as possible
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
