she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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