eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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