I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
