sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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