My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
