State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
