My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
