I will die if light touches me.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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