I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
