I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
