yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
