He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
