hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
