I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
