Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
