I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
