video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
