dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
