i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
