Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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