so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
