why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The adults are the big ones right?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
