Your dad touched me again.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
