Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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