so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
