Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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