toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
