im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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