I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
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afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
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I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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