That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
