Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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