He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
