Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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