I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Too much gin, very little bucket
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
