and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
