Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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