Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
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It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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