im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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