1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
