Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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