3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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