dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
