sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
