I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
