does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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