His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
